Let’s talk about adulthood

lets-talk-about-winter

When I was younger, I had this image in my head about what my life would be like in ‘The Future’. I’d graduate, find a job I loved right away, I’d meet my Mister Perfect at school, we’d date for a few years, move in together and eventually buy a place together, get married and have babies. I imagined all of this would happen by the time I was 25. Baby number two would come age 27 and I would pretty much have my shit together for the rest of my life. I am currently 27 and I can tell you one thing: none of this has happened. My shit is nowhere near together.

I like to think of  I’ll be there for you by The Rembrandts as THE theme song of my life right now. Because no one ever told me life was going to be this way. My job is a joke, I am always broke and my love life is the old way. It actually feels like I’m always stuck in second gear. And I don’t know how to get unstuck. I always thought adults knew what they were doing. That they had a plan, that they just knew things. I certainly didn’t know adulthood came with all these ups and downs, doubts and difficult choices. I didn’t know we’d just be a bunch of big kids making decisions that terrify us and that we just kind of muddle along. I wish there had been a class in secondary school that taught me how to be an adult. You know, a class where they teach you how to deal with rejection and failure, how to make a personal budget, or do my taxes. It would have been so much more helpful than Pythagoras’ theorem.

But anyways, let me elaborate on the aptness of this song when it comes to my life. First of all, there is my job. I have a bachelor degree that I don’t use in any way whatsoever. Not by choice, I just can’t seem to find a job  that allows me to put it to any use. The reason: there’s always someone with more experience. I can write the best application letter and have a wonderful interview, but there’s always someone with more experience and it is infuriating. I can’t really get any experience in my field if I don’t get the chance to work in it now can I?! So I’ve been doing the exact same job for about two and a half years now, with no chance of getting anywhere and I feel as if it’s slowly killing me from the inside. So we keep on trying, but the rejections do get to you, and they do discourage you and after a while you don’t really feel like trying anymore.

I am always broke. As a child of my generation, I tend to live beyond my means. I like getting take away coffee and I can’t say no to that new shirt. Want to go for dinner? Let’s go! Cocktails? Bring ’em in! Not a very ideal situation when you don’t have a fulltime job but you do live by yourself. My financial situation isn’t horrible, I do have some savings, but I’ve been taking money out of that account every single month since I’ve started living on my own. I’m very well aware that I can’t keep on doing this, especially since I’d love to buy my own place at some point in the near future. Which I obviously can’t afford because I don’t have a fulltime job. Yes, I could get a side job but that means I’ll have to pay a lot of extra taxes, which isn’t really a prospect I relish either. I hereby present to you: an adult dilemma. Ugh.

Another thing that causes me sleepless nights is my love life. Although I don’t really think you can call a handful of dates a year or an imaginary relationship a love life. I quite frankly suck at dating and flirting. It’s just not really my area of expertise. I have the dating apps, I’ve tried speed dating but that stuff just doesn’t work for me. I’m not very good with strangers. I can’t truly open up to people if I don’t feel a certain level of trust and security around them. And I can’t get to that level unless I regularly spend  time with them, which in this day and age has become nearly impossible. Plus there’s the fact that I seem to turn into a teenager the minute I develop something that might be considered a crush. You know: the online researching, the talking to friends to see if anyone has any info, the goofy smiles and the complete inability to actually make a move or flirt in any way, shape or form. That’s me, right here.

So, there you have it: the reason my life is a sitcom theme song at age 27. Sometimes I think it’s funny, sometimes I’m optimistic and eager, but most of the time I feel quite frustrated because I actually feel like I am stuck in second gear. Because I do want to move forward but I just can’t seem to do it. So until I get into third gear, I’ll just be here, muddling along with my new shirt and take away coffee, dreaming about a guy I’ll never get with, looking for a job that will hopefully bring back some of my drive and ambition. Feel free to muddle along.

 

Love// D.

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