It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here, but I’ve had a pretty crappy month to be honest and my mind just wasn’t in the writing zone. I really wanted to post something light-hearted and funny, but honesty is kind of my motto, so this is just me telling you what’s been going on. I’m still not back in the zone, but paper has always proven to be the best therapy for me so let’s just write it all out.
Something funny happens to me during Spring. I get a serious dose of Spring fever in February, followed by an avalanche of emotions and issues in March. And I can tell you: it sucks. I love everything about Spring: the sun is out again, I don’t freeze my toes off on a daily basis anymore, and everyone just seems nicer. But sometimes it feels the brighter the days get, the darker it gets inside my head. It’s as if my brain is suddenly reminded of all the things I don’t have or can’t achieve after being in winter rest. And that’s when Spring fever turns into a full on Spring nightmare.
I’ve talked about the issues I experience with adulthood and insecurity in previous posts, and I am trying a more ‘hands-on’ approach ever since, but I don’t really feel like I’ve gotten anywhere to be honest. I’ve been applying for jobs but they don’t want to hire me because of my lack of experience. It’s quite hard to get any experience if no one gives you a chance. Experience doesn’t grow on trees, you actually have to gain it. And, being the insecure human being I am at times, every rejection feels like a punch in the face and comes with a new dose of discouragement. I keep trying though. And I’ll try a little harder still. Being miserable isn’t exactly what I want to be in life, so the only option is to keep going.
The money issues haven’t exactly disappeared either. On the contrary. I can genuinely feel panicked when I start thinking about this, especially towards the future. The thought that I may never be able to buy some property, or take that dream trip to New-Zealand, freaks me out big time. It’s terrifying when you realise how important money is in this society and how much you need of it to live a comfortable life.
And I don’t even want to get into relationships or love at the moment. Love and I are not on speaking terms. This is honestly what terrifies me most about the future. The fact that I might have to go through life, with all its ups and downs, by myself … I can’t even begin to describe what that does to me. Simply writing this sentence makes my eyes well up. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t look at relationships as the magical bandage to all problems. I know that even the best relationships come with their own struggles and hardships. And I’d go as far as to say I’d prefer not to have a relationship over a bad one with lies, deceit and heartache. But it’s hard without a partner in crime.
I’m just at a point in my life where I want things to move ahead, and I want them to start moving fast. And it just frustrates the f*** out of me that I can’t seem to make these things happen. I’ve been trying for so long now, and it’s obvious that I’m handling this the wrong way, so I’m going to get some help. This is a sensitive topic to a lot of people, and I have to admit, I’m a little worried about putting this out in the open, for everyone to see. Because people are so fast to judge these days. I just know that all this insecurity and this fear of failure that I experience are stopping me from achieving the things I want to achieve. And I also know I am going to drag them along if I don’t learn how to deal with them. So I’m going to be talking to a psychologist again, in the hopes that he can help me along the way, because my mental health is just as important to me as my physical health. I work on my body at the gym, I go to a doctor when I’m ill, so I don’t see why I can’t work on my mental health with a professional. I can tell you though, it takes a LOT of courage to pick up that phone and make an appointment. Because there’s no pill or medicine that’s going to make you ‘better’. You have to be willing to do the work, and dig deep, and you may not like what you find.
I know a lot of people still consider it to be ‘weak’ when you get help for a personal issue like insecurity. They couldn’t be more wrong. I think it takes a very strong person to admit they’re not really okay, and to make the decision that they want to work on their biggest issues. That, my friends, takes some serious balls. I can honestly get upset when I see people struggling with issues they can’t cope with by themselves, but they refuse to get help because of the stigma that still surrounds this topic. I personally know quite a few people who have visited a professional for a variety of issues, and I can tell you no one has come out worse. Mental health is just SO important because it can affect every aspect of your life. I know I would have been in a completely different place in my life if I had dealt with these issues sooner. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. But it’s never too late to turn things around, and that’s what I’ll be doing from now on.
I will keep you posted on all this, obviously, because whatever happens, writing on a blank page will always be my favourite therapy.
Now you go and have a lovely day!